How To Give & Receive Feedback
It’s January, and for many of us that means it’s time for a check-in. If you work in a large organization, it’s likely Performance Review time, where you’ll be participating in feedback in a more formal setting. If you work inside the home or in a smaller organization, you may not be used to structured feedback.
No matter which description fits you, delivering or receiving feedback to or from a colleague, friend, or loved one can be difficult and often emotional. So today we’re sharing some strategies and tips to help you have meaningful, authentic conversations with the people in your life.
To start, let’s talk about giving feedback. In our coaching sessions and corporate workshops, we offer a simple 4-step model to give feedback in a way that is compassionate, intentional, and understandable, and is focused on delivering positive results. I’ve personally used this feedback model in work and personal settings, and it helps me access clarity, defuse reactivity, maintain connection, and align on the best path forward.
Here are a few helpful tips before we dive into the model:
Prepare for the conversation by taking a moment to arrive. Ground your feet onto the floor—feeling the connection your feet are making with the floor. Turn your attention to the breath—inhaling deeply into the belly and exhaling deeply out of the belly, calming the nervous system. And connect with: What is my compassionate intention delivering this feedback or initiating this conversation? How do I want to be? How do I want to make this person feel? What does success feel like in this situation?
Reflect on each of the 4 steps below and write out your thoughts in sentence format. Create a simple script from these sentences to help you deliver the four steps completely.
Practice the script. Find language that feels most comfortable to you. Practice again. And again. The more you practice, the more it will feel authentic, natural, and organic.
Put yourself in the shoes of the other person: How would you feel if someone used the language and script you’ve drafted? Is it constructive? Necessary? Appropriate? Change the script accordingly. Sleep on it.
Review each of the 4 steps again and tweak intention, language, examples, and next steps until you feel comfortable that your IDEA model is whole-hearted, constructive, necessary, and appropriate.
IDEA: A four step model for whole-hearted feedback and mindful communication
I = Intent
Lead with compassion and establish a positive intention. Say your intention out loud, in a manner that is sincere and compassionate, to kick off this feedback discussion. This intention needs to benefit the receiver, not necessarily you. It may also benefit the team, the family, or the organization.
Here’s an example of how to start the conversation: I’d like to give you some feedback today. My intention in delivering this feedback is to improve your collaboration skills and to heighten levels of trust between you and other team members. I’ve observed your behavior on several occasions, and I’ve noticed a few things that may be getting in the way of you being your most effective self.
D = Describe
Describe the observed behavior in a way that is direct, succinct, neutral, and factual. We recommend using language like: When you…the impact is…
For example: When you are on your phone during our team meeting, the impact is that you appear unengaged, disinterested and disconnected.
E = Exchange
Invite the person to respond and give them the floor to speak and be heard. Listen fully and actively, while pausing any tendency to interrupt. Let go of your preconceived beliefs and allow them to speak, one word at a time. Assume you do not know what they will say and therefore, listen with full attention and presence. Use body language that is open, relaxed, curious, and sincere. Notice if you can release any tension from your body—try softening the jaw, eyes, forehead, hands, heart, and shoulders.
Model empathy, which is feeling as and with another human being. Certain types of feedback can be hard to hear and challenging to absorb. Create space with a purposeful pause. Slow down the conversation and give yourself and the other person permission to pause.
This step may sound something like this: I just shared some feedback with you. How do you feel about that feedback? It’s possible that there’s some context for me to better understand. Please let me know if that’s the case. I’d like to give you a moment to absorb and to share any thoughts or feelings that are coming up for you right now.
A = Action
Align on action and next steps together. Decide how each of you will know that this feedback is being addressed. Schedule a follow-up meeting. Make a commitment to follow-through, stay connected and identify tangible next steps.
Now that we’ve shared a strategy for giving feedback more effectively, let’s talk about the other side of the coin—effectively receiving feedback—which is arguably just as challenging to do.
Criticism of any kind can be a hard pill to swallow. It can feel like a personal attack, threatening our confidence and making us feel like we’re not good enough. However, constructive criticism is one of the most important tools for growth, elevating our own self-awareness and helping us identify accessible ways to develop and unlock our full potential.
And the good news is, just as we can get better at giving feedback, we can also get better at receiving it. Here are just a few strategies to help you out:
Assume Positive Intent
Try to suspend judgment and not automatically perceive feedback as negative. Assume that the person sharing this feedback with you wants what is best for you and the organization.
Remember that Feedback is a Gift
Remember that giving feedback requires a certain level of vulnerability and courage, especially if it’s coming from someone who you lead. So even if their feedback may be tough to hear, don’t forget to say thank you. Use the breath to navigate intense emotions. Breathe deeply into and out of the belly to remain calm. Observe sensations in your body, thoughts in your head and connect with: How do I want to be in this moment? You’ve been given a piece of data. Data is necessary for all of us to better understand if the impact we’ve made matches our intention in a particular situation or with a particular person.
Stay Curious & Approachable
Try to stay Above the Line throughout the conversation—remaining open, curious, and committed to learning. Keep an open-mind to different perspectives and new ideas. It’s possible that the person sharing feedback with you will offer you a new way of looking at things that you haven’t previously considered. Be aware of your body language and tone throughout the conversation. And if you feel yourself getting defensive or reactive, try pausing and connecting to your breath to center yourself.
Listen to Understand
Practice active listening and mindful looping, like we shared in our Mindful Communication blog series. Once the other person is done speaking, take a moment to restate or summarize what you heard them say. “What I heard you say is...did I get that right?” This not only allows you to check your understanding of the feedback but it also allows the other person to feel heard. It’s also perfectly okay to ask clarifying questions when needed and to ask for specific examples of the behavior mentioned. You can also ask to pause, so that you’re able to absorb, manage any reactivity, and shift your mindset.
Reflect & Connect with the Big Picture
Take some time on your own to reflect on the feedback you’ve been given. Meditate, journal, breathe. Connect with, “What’s really important here?” “What’s my constructive takeaway?” And remember that ultimately you have control over what to do with the feedback that’s been given to you. Dr. Shanita Williams, the author of Feedback Mentality, shares this great quote that puts things into perspective: "I think that's where we get it wrong, is that we think any bit of information [means] that we are less than as a person or that we are unworthy or unfit or incapable—when really, feedback is just information, and you have the power to decide what you do with it."
Learning to both give and receive feedback can be a game changer in all areas of life. When you’re able to give effective and authentic feedback, you can help the people in your life be the best version of themselves. And when you’re able to receive feedback with an open heart and mind, you allow yourself the opportunity to unlock a version of you that you might not have previously known about. So the next time you’re presented with the opportunity to give or receive feedback, give these tips a try and see what you notice.
Need help developing these invaluable skills for you, your team, or your organization? Reach out to us to plan a customized Inseus Training or Executive Coaching Program today!
Mindfully yours,
Ashley