Mindful Communication: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
The holidays are a time of giving—in addition to colorful packages with bows, we’re also giving our time and energy to things like putting up decorations, preparing the house for guests, and cooking hearty meals to share with loved ones. But perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give during the holiday season is being vulnerable and empathetic with the people around us.
I’m sure we can all relate to having that one relative who visits over the holidays and really pushes your buttons. Maybe you have differing political views or just don’t see eye to eye, and your communications often feel tense, awkward, or charged. Or maybe you have a hard time asking for what you need at work around this time of year, whether that be time off, a raise, or even feedback on your performance. Having difficult conversations can be hard work, but they can become easier with practice. In fact, when we enter a conversation focused on awareness, connection, and empathy, it can make a world of difference.
At Inseus, we use a particular communication model in our executive coaching and leadership programs, and it comes from a book called Difficult Conversations by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen. The Harvard lecturers provide a 5 step model for accessing connection with other human beings and having difficult conversations with more skill. You can use this model to prepare for an upcoming challenging conversation or learn from a past one. As you get more comfortable with it, you can even use it in the moment.
To get us started, here is an outline of the five steps to have difficult conversations more skillfully. Following this, I’ll dive deeper using a personal example to support better understanding.
Step 1: Explore the 3 levels of conversation, from both your perspective and from the other person’s perspective:
Content—What happened? What’s the data or the back and forth of this conversation?
Feelings—What emotions are involved?
Identity—What does this say about me? What’s at stake here? Usually, it’s one or more of these foundational questions: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of respect/love?
Step 2: Check your intention. Check it again. And ask yourself: Do I still need to have this conversation?
Step 3: Imagine the perspective of an objective third-party. How would an objective person, perhaps a news reporter, report this story from an unbiased view?
Step 4: Explore their story and yours. Get curious.
Step 5: Problem Solve, Together.
The model starts with this assumption: Conversations that we avoid or feel uncomfortable having are usually taking place on 3 different levels. Often, they are disrupting a core human identity that we either hold to be true or wish to be true, and this can create some really challenging feelings. If we can bring awareness to and explore these three levels from both our own and the other person's perspective, we can unlock a new perspective that allows us to connect with authenticity, clarity, and empathy.
While all five steps can be helpful, my experience is that using even just the first step on its own produces extraordinary insight, connection, and positive outcomes. So, let’s explore using a personal example…
A number of years ago, I was leading a global business unit of a large publicly traded company, and I initiated a difficult conversation with my boss about taking a leave of absence from work. At the time, we were navigating a difficult and life-threatening medical condition with my daughter, and I needed to be fully present and available at home for an extended period of time. This was a difficult conversation for me to have with my boss for a variety of reasons. While I didn’t become aware of this communication model until years after I actually had this conversation at work, I find it helpful now as I reflect back…
The 3 Levels From Ashley’s Perspective
Content: What is this conversation about from my perspective? This conversation is about me taking a leave of absence due to a personal, family challenge that requires my attention and presence to be a fully engaged and functioning caregiver.
Feelings: What are the feelings or emotions coming up because of this conversation? Nervous, fearful, uncertain, stressed, distracted, overwhelmed, in need of support…
Identity: What’s really at stake here? (Am I a good person? Am I competent? Am I worthy of respect/love?) It’s likely that all three of these identity questions are playing out under the surface for me.
Am I a good person, as in: Am I a good mother? Am I a good leader, in spite of this personal need?
Am I competent, as in: Am I a competent caretaker for my children? Have I developed my team enough to fill this leadership void in a moment of need? Should I have ever taken this role to begin with, knowing the challenges that exist juggling work and home life?
Am I worthy of respect, as in: Do you respect and value me as a leader and a human being to approve this request in a moment of need?
Next, we shine the light of awareness on the other person’s perspective, by stepping into their shoes.
The 3 Levels From the Perspective of Ashley’s Boss
Content: What does he say the conversation is about? Ashley came to me requesting a leave of absence due to a personal, family challenge that she believes requires her full attention and presence at home as a caregiver.
Feelings: If I put myself in his shoes, what feelings or emotions might be coming up for him as a result of this conversation? Surprise, uncertainty, stress, concern. Compassion & Empathy, I hope. Maybe distraction while running “what if…” scenarios in his head.
Identity: What’s really at stake here for him? (Am I a good person? Am I competent? Am I worthy of respect/love?) It’s likely that at least two of these identity questions are playing out under the surface for my boss as well.
Am I a good person, as in: Do we care as an organization about our employees personal needs, reflected in how this request is handled?
Am I competent, as in: Knowing that this is the largest global region in the company and critical to the success of the enterprise, was I competent when initially selecting her for this role? Am I competent enough to manage her absence effectively?
After putting myself in his shoes, I can see that while I have a pressing issue, my decision is hard on both of us. Using this communication model invites us to deepen both our self and social awareness, and to connect with empathy before we ever initiate dialogue with another. With this heightened awareness and empathy, we can explore the situation and problem-solve in ways that acknowledge, recognize, and support all parties involved.
Emotional conversations can be complex, so allow space to get it wrong. You might not always know how the other person is feeling or what is best for them. In those moments, we can refer back to the various mindful listening techniques from our November blog where we Unwrapped The Gift Of Mindful Communication.
At times throughout the conversation, it might be most skillful to listen deeply. At other times, you might need to loop back and confirm that you understand each other. And at times, it can be most supportive to listen empathetically, connecting at the level of feeling with each other.
These skills all support our ability to skillfully engage in difficult conversations, while heightening connecting on a human level. Whether it is a friend, family member, supervisor, or co-worker, discussing the things that matter the most with more ease and skill is essential for creating connection. And connection is what we as a species need to not only survive, but to thrive.
If you want to learn more, we encourage you to read the book, Difficult Conversations, or hire Inseus to bring a Mindful Communication program to your organization today.
We hope you have a wonderful holiday season and are able to share the gift of mindful communication throughout this season and beyond!
Mindfully yours,
Ashley