The Power of Self-Compassion
In my last post, I wrote about my intention to be a more mindful community member, focusing on showing compassion and empathy to others, and more specifically on issues of social justice.
We each have lists of causes and people we care about. How can we protect our loved ones and strangers from COVID? How can we contribute to building racial equity? In my mindfulness work, I’ve noticed that for many of us, it’s easier to offer compassion to others than to ourselves. This raised the question in my mind, “Are compassion and self-compassion really so different?”
The ancient Chinese philosopher Mengzi had something to say about that. Mengzi’s theory of compassion goes like this: If I am compassionate toward person X, and person Y is relatively similar to person X, then I should extend relatively similar compassion to person Y.
Well, what if I happen to be person Y in this scenario? What if I were to extend the same compassion to myself as I do to the people I care about? After all, at the end of day, I’m really not so different from those people. Self-compassion is simply extending inwardly the love that we already know how to feel and show outwardly for others.
Following the science
A life-long perfectionist, striver, and doer, I used to think that I was being selfish, indulgent, or a bit soft to extend too much compassion to myself. Self-criticism and a daily dose of tough love were my default modes. Given how life is unfolding right now, I decided to search for ways to give myself more support in managing my own stress and emotions.
One of those ways was to enroll in an eight-week mindful self-compassion class this summer, where I’m learning how powerful self-compassion can be in everyday life. I’ve learned that in the past few decades scientific research has also focused attention on the benefits of self-compassion practice and revealed that, in fact, practicing self-compassion decreases stress, increases motivation, and improves both our wellbeing and our relationships with others. Research also shows that self-compassion can make us more productive and effective as friends, parents, employees, and leaders.
In 2012, a series of experiments at the University of California Berkeley found that practicing self-compassion in response to personal failure may increase one’s motivation to improve one’s self (Breines and Chen 2012). More particularly, the experiments showed that participants who practiced self-compassion after making a mistake were more likely than controls to make amends for their mistakes, prepare thoroughly for upcoming challenges, and report motivation to change their own weakness or shortcomings. In other words, self-compassion can drive us to take ownership, improve ourselves, and accomplish our goals!
Self-compassion can also improve our psychological well-being. It’s associated with reduced stress, anxiety, and depression (MacBeth and Gumley 2012). Moreover, various studies by Kristin Neff, a psychology researcher at the University of Texas, have confirmed that high self-compassion is associated with greater happiness, positive emotions, and increased satisfaction with life (Neff 2003; Neff et al. 2007). I strongly recommend watching Kristin Neff’s TED TALK to get you started on your self-compassion practice.
The effort is worth it
Turns out that self-compassion takes a lot of work, and is easy to forget—especially when our attention is split between pandemics, social injustices, political strife, and daily routines that are completely disrupted. The good news is that self-compassion can be developed by mastering small practices and integrating them into daily life. Three practices that regularly make a significant and positive impact on my stress, anxiety, and equanimity are: Friendly Letter to Myself, Soothing Touch, and Affectionate Breathing.
Friendly Letter to Myself leans into the idea that self-compassion can be modeled off of caring for others. Consider a challenge you’re experiencing from the perspective of someone else you trust, who cares about you, and who wants the best for you—a grandparent, close friend or mentor, for example. Write a letter to yourself from that person’s perspective about your challenging or emotional situation.
What words would they choose to help you? What tone would they use? How might they show care on their face as they write to you? This practice can reveal in stark contrast how critical and unkind we often are to ourselves. When we step outside of our own perspective, we see that we are worthy of compassion, and we can practice extending a kind attitude to ourselves, creating an expanded perspective and insight.
Soothing Touch stems straight from our biology as mammals and the warmth, soothing touch, and gentle vocalizations that kept us close to our mothers in dangerous situations (Gilbert 2014). Here’s how it works.
Connect with your inner caregiving instincts by placing one or both hands over your heart. As you breathe in and out, notice with an open, kind attitude the feeling of that physical contact, and your connection to your body and breath. I like to use this technique when I encounter that inner critic or saboteur, feel stress in my body, or notice reactive thoughts. Soothing touch can also offer biological comfort and nourishment equally well in any situation. I find that by extending touch to myself, I experience an immediate physiological response that increases my calm and decreases my anxiety.
Affectionate Breathing is a micro-practice from our Search Inside Yourself Program that you can try anytime and anywhere, even on the fly! In a moment of disappointment, failure, or reactivity, begin by turning your attention to your breath with an attitude of kindness. Rather than demanding of yourself, “I’ve got to calm down,” find your most gentle inner voice. Breathe in, “I do my best.” Breathe out, “I let go of the rest.” If you have time, repeat this practice for a few breath cycles. You’ll likely find it more powerful with each breath.
These are three practices you can try on your own. If you’re looking for more guidance, I encourage you to choose a soft, quiet spot where you feel comfortable and can listen to a compassion-based meditation, often referred to as metta or loving kindness meditation. You can check out our free guided compassion meditation here.
Sustaining self-compassion
When you first start building your self-compassion practice, you might experience what researchers call “backdraft” (Jarvis 2016). Similar to the backdraft caused by a fire, self-compassion backdraft is the outflow of something hot and probably painful. It’s the discomfort of old hurts, critical thoughts, and painful memories that you’ve done your best to compartmentalize, ignore, and forget.
When I started practicing self-compassion, some intense negative emotions reared their heads. I also noticed an unattractive angst, impatience, or frustration directed at some of the people I love.
As I have continued my journey with self-compassion, this backdraft has faded. I now know that when hurts arise, they will soften and fade as I use the practices I’ve learned. It’s important to remember that backdraft is not the result of self-compassion, but rather the result of years without it!
In the case of a severe trauma, please start your self-compassion practice alongside a trained professional. In most cases, however, you can challenge backdraft by grounding yourself in mindfulness, breathing in kindness, and reminding yourself that this too will pass.
So, do you want to be more productive at work? Be a more loving parent for the child who is stuck at home? Be better equipped to implement social change? Then try to practice self-compassion when you don't finish your to-do list and in the moments you feel fed up or exhausted with your family, your job, or your colleagues. Any time I use the word “should” to myself, this is a cue that kindness and self-compassion will support.
To show up as our most effective selves, and to succeed in reaching goals of all types, we must do the work of extending compassion to our inner selves. Try one of my favorite practices today, if it feels right for your inner self! Or join us for one of our upcoming online programs for dedicated support.
You are enough. You are worthy of all the love and care you give to others.
Mindfully yours,
Ashley