Grateful for The Work
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it.” —Byron Katie
Last week, I cleared my schedule and committed to spending a full week focused on my own learning, growth, and healing as a human being. I spent five days immersed in an experience hosted by Byron Katie, who has developed a simple methodology to reduce suffering and access peace, called The Work.
When I walked into Byron Katie International in Ojai, California I had no set expectations for my time there. But I left feeling as if my mind and my heart were blown wide open. In a group of 80 people from all over the world, I learned and practiced a new way of questioning stressful thoughts that was liberating, profound, and transformative.
I’ve already noticed a positive impact on my emotional and mental well-being—from greater curiosity and open-mindedness to increased feelings of compassion, love, and contentment with what is. As we head into the holiday season and gatherings with family and loved ones, I feel grateful for this experience and for The Work. I know it’s going to affect the way I show up and engage with others and I’d like to share it with you in the hopes that it offers you the same.
First things first, know that The Work is accessible and available to everyone. If you are a human being, you can do The Work. You do not need a background in mindfulness. You do not need to know what growth mindset is. You do not need to be in therapy. You do not need to be overwhelmed or burnt out—although if you are, I highly recommend The Work. You just need to be willing to examine the negative thoughts you are believing in at any given moment of your life, with openness & curiosity.
So let’s dive in with an exercise called, Judge Your Neighbor. Now you may ask, why are we judging our neighbor instead of ourselves? Because this is the way to more clearly see our automatic, unfiltered conditional thinking, and by the end of the exercise, it will shine a spotlight on you. Trust me.
Think of a stressful situation with someone or a situation that brought up reactivity for you. The complete version of this exercise—which you can view on Byron Katie’s website by clicking here—invites you to reflect on and journal about the situation using six prompts. For our purposes today, we will use only the first question: In this situation, who angers, confuses, hurts, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
Write it down in the following format: I am XXXX with XXXX because XXXX.
Let’s use a hypothetical, universal example: I am angry with my partner because they are not helping me around the house.
Next, we’ll explore using this thought with The Work’s Four Questions. Again, write down your responses to the following questions:
Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to Question 3)
Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no)
When you believe that thought, how do you react? What happens?
Close your eyes and meditate on this, allowing images and feelings to arise… What emotions arise when you believe that thought? What images of past and future do you see when you believe the thought? How do you treat yourself and others when you believe the thought?Who would you be without that thought?
Using the hypothetical example above, let’s respond to the Four Questions. So the belief here is: I am angry with my partner because they are not helping me around the house.
Is it true? Yes, it’s true! I feel like they don’t help around the house.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true? *Sigh*…no. Not really. They do help me around the house, it’s just not always with exactly what I want help with. So, I would have to say, “No. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true.”
When I believe that thought, how do I react? What happens? I react with negativity. I get withdrawn. When I do speak, I am short and impatient. I use a tone that is unkind. I start to feel overwhelmed—like I have to do everything myself. I get frustrated, and feel anxiety about my growing “to do” list. I focus on doing, which makes me more agitated and less communicative. I don’t treat my partner with compassion or empathy, and instead treat them with annoyance.
Who would I be without that thought? How would I feel? I would be chilled out, relaxed, lighter, happier. I see myself laughing and having fun. I am able to ask my partner specifically for what I need. And, because they care about me, they respond in kind. We are getting things done together. It feels more harmonious, equitable, and supportive.
Take a moment to simply notice. With the original thought, I am filled with stress, frustration and negativity. It impacts how I treat myself and my partner.
Without the thought, I am free. I am lighter. I am having fun. My partner and I are supporting each other. Things feel good. Positive. Content.
An additional line of inquiry to consider: Is there a stress-free reason for me to keep this thought? I’m not suggesting dropping the thought. Let’s just stick to reasons to keep the thought or reasons to not keep the thought. Can you identify a peaceful reason to keep the thought? We’re shining a spotlight on the thought.
And, just when you thought you were done, there’s one important final step: The Turnarounds.
For each belief you are examining, turn the thought around to several opposites, using I and using He/She/They. If you are stuck on the “I” turnaround, you can substitute using words like "My thinking…my behavior…my attitude”. For each turnaround statement, identify 3 genuine examples of how this turnaround may be true or even truer than the original thought. Write down the turnarounds and your examples.
Using our original statement of “My partner doesn’t help me around the house,” here are some possible turnarounds:
I don’t help my partner around the house.
My own thinking/behavior/attitude doesn’t help me.
My partner does help me around the house.
My partner supports me.
Hmmm, there is truth to each of those statements. I can think of several examples for each of those turnarounds. Wow, now that I think about it, it is clear that they often do help around the house, and, at times, I am the one that could be more helpful to them.
So, now, let’s really let this all sink in. Remember your choice: Do you want to hold on to the original thought or let it go? It’s up to you—you can keep any thought you’d like to keep. But now that you have the awareness that keeping the thought makes you feel a certain way, what do you want to do with it? Does one or more of the turnaround thoughts give additional insight? Again, it’s your choice. Hold onto the thought or release the thought?
This is a simple, effective self-inquiry method. The Work invites us to question stressful thoughts, expand perspective, access insight, live in truth, and embrace a liberating shift. I learned that reality is reality. Whether I like it or not, it just is. It is my thoughts about a particular situation that create pain and ongoing emotion. Often the thoughts we think haven’t even happened, or the situation has happened and it’s done. Yet, the thoughts stay with us. We attach to the stressful thought, again and again.
We can use this to examine both everyday situations in life, and painful or challenging situations in life. The four questions remain the same, as do the turnarounds. As I examined my own beliefs and thoughts that are creating stress, I found these four questions and turnarounds to be wildly helpful, insightful, and freeing.
I am grateful for Byron Katie and for The Work. Want to immerse? Pick up her book, Loving What Is. Dive in and let it support you, as you navigate life this holiday season and beyond!
With gratitude,
Ashley