A Valentine's Day Treat for YOU

I have found that one of the greatest ways to take care of myself is through the practice of mindful self-compassion. At the same time, I recognize that it can be hard to tap into self-compassion when we need it the most—when we’re facing the most challenging moments in our lives, when we’re overcome with shame or consumed with judgment…those moments when we can’t stop ruminating or beating ourselves up, and we feel at our lowest.

The reality is that self-compassion can feel quite uncomfortable if we’ve never practiced it before. The idea of focusing on ourselves, of embracing ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern that we would give to a good friend may feel indulgent or self-centered.

Instead, we may try to “fix” negative experiences or emotions by building our self-esteem and talking ourselves up. Self-esteem is a subjective evaluation of our own worth, oftentimes based on comparisons with others. We feel the need to judge others so that we can feel superior in comparison. But this desire to prove ourselves as unique, special, or better than others leads to a vicious cycle: we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed—when we’re the smartest or richest or prettiest or strongest person in the room.

From my own experience, I’ve noticed that comparison is the thief of joy. And what’s worse, research has shown that focusing on self-esteem is linked to aggression, prejudice, and anger towards those who threaten our sense of self-worth.

So what’s the answer? How do we move past this constant need to feel superior to others, to not show any weakness, to present the facade that we’ve got everything figured out, just so we can feel good about ourselves?

This is where self-compassion comes in—to help us relate to ourselves with greater kindness, sympathy, and understanding. And with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.

Self-compassion helps us connect with our whole being—warts and all!—and cultivate a deep, authentic journey with ourselves. It allows us to recognize that failures and imperfections are a part of the shared human experience and offer a way for us to connect with others rather than isolating ourselves in shame. And when we can bring mindful, compassionate awareness to our difficult thoughts and feelings, we’re able to address our suffering from a place of emotional safety and with a spirit of openness and curiosity.

After 5 years of living in Washington DC, my partner and I recently uprooted our family of four to move to South Africa for his academic job. It’s been a challenging transition, to say the least. The sense of aloneness in a new country, overwhelmedness trying to create stability for our kids, and the uncertainty of me establishing myself as a local teacher has brought on some very low moments. Practicing self-compassion has been the way for me to regain my footing, and regain a sense of purpose and more contentment in life.

So this Valentine’s Day if you are looking to experience a more meaningful love, start with yourself and with mindful self-compassion. Give the 5-minute self-compassion meditation I’ve included below a try and see what you notice. And if you’re looking to expand your self-compassion toolkit even further, join us for our upcoming Online 9-Week Mindful Self-Compassion Course to learn a variety of practices and exercises to help integrate mindful self-compassion into your daily life.

Mindfully yours,
Anuka